The Art of Transition

One of our long-time clients at Bell Investment Advisors recently called me to ask if my Career/Life Coaching included “working with young people as well as older people.” I was surprised that after all these years, he didn’t know I work with clients from the ages of 25 to 75+; it seems like I say it all the time, but maybe I don’t say it enough. He was surprised and very pleased about the age range, since he was calling about his 27-year-old granddaughter, a bright young college grad who is trying to figure out what to do next. He urged me to put a note in our newsletter or write a blog about the age range of people I work with — in case there are other people who are operating under erroneous assumptions. So that’s what I’m doing here. (Thank you, Larry; you know who you are.)

From High School to College or
into The Big, Wide World of Work
I have learned over the years that most people in their twenties, contrary to the cultural belief that the twenties are carefree and easy,  experience tremendous disappointment, disillusionment, and confusion.  Throughout grammar school, junior high, high school and college most of us operate under the assumption that after we are out of school, we will know what we are doing and everything will fall into place.  Sadly, life keeps making freshman out of us as we transition through the ages and stages of life. When you’re a senior in high school, those ninth graders seem so young and foolish, and there is a sense of pride in finally reaching the mountaintop, better known as graduation. But hold it right there, because once graduated from high school, you either step into the “real world” as an employee for the first or second time, or you’re actually a freshman again, only this time in college. Then comes the shock of not being a teenager anymore but being 25, and then what? The late twenties tend to bring on the “Yikes Years” as in “Yikes, I’m almost 30! I should be grown up by now; I still don’t know who I am or what I’m doing! Help!!”

Transitioning into New Phases of Life
Successfully transitioning from one decade to another or into any new phase of life is always going to be difficult, and the sooner we learn that the better. Even when a transition seems very exciting and positive, such as getting married or having a baby or getting your first professional job, the transition from one side of the swinging trapeze to the other, when your feet finally hit solid ground on the other side, is anxiety-provoking at best. Transitions tend to trigger the deeper questions waiting beneath the façade, e.g., Who am I?  What do I want?  What do I care about?  Where am I headed? How am I going to get there?

These questions are difficult for people of all ages, even for those who have plenty of experience, but face it, the younger you are, the less perspective you have. One of the best things you can do during a transition is to get some kind of professional help, depending on the situation, sometimes coaching, sometimes therapy, sometimes help from another type of trusted advisor.

The Art of Transition
I have tremendous compassion for young people, especially in light of the constant focus on competition, being a winner, getting into the best schools, getting the best jobs, etc. Constantly having to answer the classic question, “What are you going to be when you grow up?” can lead to all sorts of false conclusions. Kids find out very early in life that they better have a good answer to this question or parents, relatives, and friends will become very worried. If your honest answer to the “What are you going to be?” question is, “I have absolutely no idea,” you will not fare well for long.  But If you’re answer is something like, “I’m going to be a lawyer,” or “I’m going to be a doctor,” you will no doubt receive praise and encouragement. This can be a good thing — or not— depending on how authentic that particular goal is for the person in question.

What About Finding Peace, Joy, and Meaning?
A few years ago, I worked with a brilliant young woman athlete from Stanford, age 28, who longed to kick back and relax and/or do something “average” for a change. She was exhausted from “having” to come out on top all the time, but the pressure to outperform was hard to ignore in her world. She longed to find balance in her life instead of the constant pressure to succeed, which had started very early in her life. Through our work together, she eventually found a sweet spot in working with kids in a role in which her compassion, empathy, and counseling skills were worth more than any other gift she had. By using these gifts, she discovered a modicum of peace, joy, and meaning that transcended her athletic skills. She stopped being afraid of turning 30 and transitioned into this next stage of life (Young Adulthood) with more enjoyment than she had ever experienced before.

Mid-Life is About Building
Mid-life is about building — building a career, a family, a home, an identity, friendships, and learning how to manage the ups and downs of life. In the 1980’s and 1990’s there was a lot of talk about men and women having “mid-life crises.”  This was supposed to happen around the age of 40 — an age to be dreaded, because it would be “over the hill” and downward from that point on. This was a time of life when men were expected to buy little red sports cars and start dating their young secretaries or the girl next door. This was the Mad Men era. Luckily, times have changed. It’s not that these types of things never happen, but so many more men and women take the choices and changes in their lives more seriously and continue to grow throughout the ages and stages of life.

The Wisdom Years
This time of life tends to refer more to career/life changes having to do with personal and spiritual growth and transformation. If you are interested in what thousands of people in this age range are doing with their careers and lives, check out Encore.org. Its purpose is to encourage people to continue to use their gifts, talents, skills, and experience in new ways that will continue to benefit themselves and society. 

There is Plenty of Time
This week I received a surprising call from a man I have known for several years as a landscape contractor. He has owned and operated his own business with a small staff for approximately 30 years.  During our exploratory call, he expressed excitement about my coaching offer and announced that he is 67 years old and really wants to make a career change. He has lots of skills other than the ones he has been using all these years, and he wants to use them.  He also wants to have more freedom from work and more time to spend with his wife than he has had all this time, but he still wants to earn some income and do something worthwhile. He has lots of ideas. He also seems to understand that life is long, and there is plenty of time to do things you haven’t been able to do yet. This sounds like a scenario that falls right into the general concept of Encore.org. I love it that he’s so positive even before we meet or embark on some coaching sessions together. It’s a very favorable sign that his transition will be successful.

Why go it alone when you can get help with making your dreams come true — at whatever age you are!

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Interview Preparation

Many years ago I found myself racing from my then-home in El Cerrito to the San Rafael Bridge, on my way to an important job interview. Just as I as I was about to make it to the freeway, the signal at the railroad crossing began to clang, causing me to slam on the brakes. The crossing bar, unfortunately, landed on the hood of my car, rather than just shy of it. I wasn’t sure what to do. Heart pounding, I jumped out of my car to see if I could lift it off, but it was much heavier than I would have imagined and  didn’t budge.

When I returned to the driver’s side of the car, I found that the door had locked behind me. There I stood in the middle of the street looking inside my car at the keys in the ignition, and engine running. Several cars had begun to line up behind me, and it looked like we were all going to be stuck for a very long time. In my rising panic, I looked to the burly guy in the car right behind me for help. He rolled down his window, and kindly suggested, “Maybe you should try the trunk. . .”

There was no alternative. While I was positive the trunk was locked, when I tried it, somehow it was not. Without so much as a moment’s hesitation, I then dove into the trunk, closed the hatchback behind me, and dropped into the driver’s seat in time to back up the car enough to allow the crossing arm to lift off the hood of my car and release me from my humiliation. Too ashamed to look back, I headed straight for the bridge and interview. I was about 10 minutes late — and, as luck would have it, so were my three interviewers. More on the outcome later.

job interview legs iStock_000050680646_SmallCan you guess what absolute no-no of interviewing I violated in the above scenario? You can Google Interview Preparation here if you need to and you will find multiple resources, from the simplest list of four basic last minute guidelines from Monster.com, to entire books on and courses in interview preparation. You will soon notice that they all contain one specific admonition that sounds something like this: “Be sure to allow extra time to comfortably get to the interview ahead of time,” in case, let’s say, a train comes along, the railroad crossing arm lands on the hood of your car, you lock yourself out of your car with the engine running, and you rip your dress and bruise your shin when you dive into the driver’s seat from the trunk of your car.

Here, from HuffPost Business, July 20, 2013, is a classic list of the 7 Worst Job Interview Mistakes People Make, minus the inevitable one about not allowing enough time to arrive at the interview at least 30 minutes ahead of time:

  • Leaving your cell phone on during the interview and/or actually answering it (people apparently do this!)
  • Being too focused on yourself and not much interested in the needs of the employer
  • Showing you are desperate by your rambling and being over-eager to please
  • Being unable to answer basic questions about your qualifications for the position or speak clearly about your strengths
  • Not expressing why you are a great fit for the position (employers want to know this!)
  • Knowing nothing about the company with which you are interviewing

Committing any one of them indicates that you have some serious work to do before you are ready to interview well, let alone be chosen for the position you actually want. Don’t just wing it! Slow down, take yourself seriously, be mindful, “own” your own resume, and over all, be prepared to explain why you think your background, education, and experience have prepared you for the position at hand. Expect to be nervous, which is entirely appropriate, but don’t let that stop you. Be authentic and engaged, listen carefully, respond sincerely, and ask questions when they actually occur to you so that the interview becomes a two-way conversation. The ultimate decision, especially when it is in the affirmative, needs to work for both parties.

And keep in mind that sometimes in life, when you least expect it, good things happen — like you actually get the job for which you interviewed, bruised shin and all, and you keep it for the next four years! Eventually you laugh with your co-workers who have become your friends about the disastrous day you had on your way to the interview for the job that turned out to be a significant turning point in your evolving career.

 

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The Search for Something Better – Redux

If you are familiar at all with my thinking, you know that I am big on recommending that people take seriously the notion of conducting a personal “Year End Review” in order to clear the path for the new. In case you have forgotten the questions that underlie momentum, here they are again:

  • What’s working?
  • What’s not working?
  • What’s missing?
  • What’s next?

Reflection time can be hard to come by, but find a way to carve it out. It could have everything to do with how the New Year will go for you. If you never stop to think about what you would like to change, it probably won’t. Change requires your participation. You can’t just wish it would change all by itself. You can apply the questions to your whole life, or to an aspect of your life, but allow the questions to work for you. If there is something that screams out at you — like your position in your company or your role in the company or your job or your boss — pay attention. This might be the obvious place to begin changing your life for the better.

One of my former clients recently emailed me about embarking on a new job search, now that her current position has lost its luster. The job was a great fit a few years ago for getting her out of one field and into a new one, but now she has evolved, the job hasn’t, and she is ready for something better. Big surprise!

Career, as I always say, is a verb, not a noun. You can’t just pick one and think you or it will remain the same forever. You can count on one thing: you are evolving all the time, but you only notice it about every six or seven years. That’s often when the platform you are on, or the role you are in, has become too small for who you have become. The way you will recognize your growth is that you will begin to feel antsy or bored or stuck.

If you can look at these symptoms of “career pain” as growing pain rather than as some form of abstract existential angst you can’t do anything about, you are more likely to take effective action. If your “inner voice” could communicate a little more clearly, it might say something like, “Look at you, you wonderful creature! You’ve grown so much in these past several years. Isn’t it time for you to move on to something more suitable to the Self you have become? Get out there, look around; there’s something great out there just waiting for you. . . ” With this attitude, wouldn’t you want to get right out there and find it?

Unfortunately, that’s usually not the message that arises from deep within the pit of your stomach. At the thought of change, fear and dread are likely to raise their ugly heads and growl something more like this:

Lots o’ luck on the job search! You’ll never get what you want anyway, so why bother? First you’ll have to update your resume, a task you hate doing; then make room for fresh truckloads of humiliation and rejection; then face the dreaded interviews you almost hope you won’t get, since they’re so stressful. You might as well avoid all this and just stay right where you are. (Where if you recall, you are already in pain.)

Could there be another way to proceed with the search for something better?

Here’s my verbatim response to the client I mentioned at the beginning of this blog post. It suggests a different approach:

No, you don’t have to change your resume for every job opening. I don’t know who started this rumor. What you need you already have: a great, clean, clear, authentic “core” resume. (The assumption is that you, bright reader, also have a great resume, one that is clean, clear, and has been created or vetted by a professional, not just by a friends or neighbor.)

Each time you see a job opening that genuinely interests you or suddenly “lights you up inside” as you read about it, you should be able to write a compelling cover letter that explains why you think your background has prepared you for that particular role. If, however — and this will be the exception not the rule — you see a job description that requires you have some particular experience you have had but is not already emphasized in your core resume, it might be a good idea for you to tweak a section of your resume to make that experience more obvious.

The Job Search does require that you put some time in on the internet — at least two to four hours a week, possibly more, but you need to manage your mood while you are doing it. This is because you are going to see a lot more jobs you don’t want than those you do. We’re talking maybe 100 to 1 or worse. This should not be a shock. Expect it; accept it.

You are, in a sense, looking for a needle in a haystack, yes, but in order to find it, you need to have a pretty good idea of what it looks like and what you look like. There needs to be a good match in the first place in order for there to be a possibility or probability you’ll win an interview. This is not entirely unlike eHarmony or match.com, if you are looking for a possible romantic match. You have to be aware of the basic criteria that need to be present for there even to be a possible match. Then when you actually meet in person, a lot depends on chemistry. It’s the same with a job interview.

Allow your “inner eye” to show you what attracts you and/or lights you up, because there’s no accounting for that. It just shows up sometimes when you least expect it. While you are searching (for a mate or a job on the internet), your “inner voice” will be responding with: No, no, no, no, no, God No, no, no, NO, no, no, no, and then all of a sudden, you will hear yourself saying something like, “Well, that’s interesting; that sounds good; there’s a maybe . . “, or suddenly, there’ll be a “Yes!” Pay attention when that happens.

This is what I refer to as an “automatic narrative.” When it shows up, it’s like a signal from the great beyond telling you you’ve hit a possible match. It’s like having your own personal Geiger counter. Rather than fretting about what to say in your cover letter, you will find that you know just what to say. (Still, to be safe, have someone, hopefully a professional, proof the letter for you.) If you express yourself well and if you actually believe that your background and skills match the required background and skills, your letter will get the attention it deserves. If you get the interview, you will know what to say when you get there.   

Don’t force anything when you’re searching. Go with your gut as well as your rational mind. If it’s a yes, apply. If it’s a no, meaning something you aren’t really interested in or is too much of a stretch or something you find yourself rationalizing about, don’t waste your precious time or energy. You already got the answer: it was “NO.” Let it go. You won’t be convincing anyway.

Remember what this is all about. You are searching for something better than what you have right now — a step up, a step out, a step forward — movement toward more satisfying work and, therefore, a more satisfying life. That’s what the discomfort during The Job Search is really all about! Keep your eyes on the (possible) prize.    

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Not Thankful at Thanksgiving?

Attacks by ISIS in diverse places, hate-filled political agendas at home, thousands upon thousands of refugees fleeing from war torn countries, hunger, poverty — and yet right here at home, despite homelessness and way too many people in need, shopping and planning for the Big Meal continues, and gratitude somehow abounds. And in the midst of all the bad news in Sunday’s 11/22/15 New York Times, this article catches my eye: Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make You Happier by Arthur C. Brooks, president of the American Enterprise Institute and contributing opinion writer.

Brooks looks back at his own wedding 24 years ago and remembers preparing a complete Thanksgiving meal for his new Spanish in-laws in Barcelona where Thanksgiving is not celebrated and turkeys are not commonly served on a holiday. Over dinner, his new family had many questions about the odd American tradition, but one philosophical question stood out: “Should you celebrate this holiday even if you don’t feel grateful?”

The question itself could be fodder for a family discussion on Thanksgiving Day, but then again it could end in some sort of meal-killing conflict among those who would celebrate or would not celebrate despite their level of gratitude. Interestingly, there is evidence to suggest that acting grateful can actually make you feel more grateful. Researchers in a 2003 study randomly assigned one group of study participants to keep a short weekly list of the things they were grateful for, while other groups made note of hassles or neutral events they experienced. Ten weeks later the first group demonstrated significantly greater life satisfaction than the others. Other studies led to the same conclusion. It turns out that we can actively choose to practice being grateful, and that in so doing our perceived level of happiness increases. Many of us can clearly remember a time when Oprah Winfrey spent a lot of her television show time recommending to her viewers that they keep a “gratitude journal” to increase their own perceived level of happiness. She was on to something.

I am deeply/hugely grateful to have been raised by an extremely positive, loving mother who must have figured into the interesting study Brooks cites in a 2014 article in the Journal of Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. A particular gene, identified only as “CD38”, was discovered to have a strong association with gratitude in “relentlessly positive people who seem to be grateful all the time.” They tend to have “a global relationship with satisfaction, perceived partner responsiveness, and positive emotions (particularly love).”

This was my mother. It wasn’t as if nothing bad ever happened to her, God knows, but she loved her way through circumstances and people and throughout her 85 years. She was a musician, teacher, hilarious storyteller, and the most compassionate person I’ve ever known. To an almost irritating degree she stood up for the other guy and made me put myself in his shoes much more than I ever wanted to, but still. . .

When I was about five years old, I developed a terrible fear of germs. I couldn’t stand the thought that there were these invisible “bugs” in the world that could infect me with polio or TB or something worse. My mom tried to talk me out of it, but was unsuccessful for a few years. When I started having nightmares about them, she would come into my room to comfort me in some way. One night when I couldn’t go back to sleep, she suggested that I start counting all the things I loved in my life starting with my favorite stuffed bear, followed by the merry-go-round at the nearby park. That was the very first time in my life I actually fell asleep counting my blessings and certainly was not the last. I found out that it worked!

So, not thankful at Thanksgiving? Not a problem for me, thanks to my mother in large part, and much later in life, my own spirituality.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Next: The Interview

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Back to School/Back to Work

I always forget how much I love the Fall until October, when everything starts moving toward winter, and something makes me feel like sautéing sliced apples with cinnamon and butter for breakfast and walking to the Cal stadium for a football game. The trees are definitely losing their leaves, and the days are getting shorter, despite the sunny weather hanging over past its prime. Nonetheless, here we are again, hurtling toward the holidays, cold weather or not.

The Phone Calls
My phone rings more insistently right about now: time to change jobs, time to change careers, time to go back to school, time to do something different.  Whatever the factors have brought you to this moment, and  no matter how ready you are for a change, it turns out not to be a simple snap of the fingers that makes it happen in the exact timeframe you wish you could.  Before you jump, you’ll have to stop, look, listen to yourself, and reorient and get clear about the next step that makes sense in your career evolution. Your next step should improve upon your previous step.

What’s Your Story?
To get clear about where you are headed, you have to do some thinking about where you have been. Allow your self-knowledge and wisdom guide you as you reflect on your work and life experiences to this point. You will recognize what is working by how you feel about each item on your list. They are the things that bring you satisfaction, pride, enjoyment. You want to keep doing those things and even make more room for them, if you want to raise your satisfaction quotient.

Next, think about what is not working for you.  Those things will tend to jump out at you and be very obvious because they are causing you pain! They usually “yell” at you and say things like, “I HATE this commute!”, “I can’t stand my boss!”, “I am bored out of my wits!”. The things you hate actually point to actions you can take to make your job more satisfactory and your life happier.

Clarity
Clarity is not exactly something to force into existence; it is something that will emerge as you enter into sincere thinking, reflection, conversation, self-acceptance and desire to fulfill whatever is missing in your work or life. Allow the clarity that emerges to be your guide as you design a target that includes what you want, what you don’t want, and where you want to go in the future. If you don’t know what you are looking for, how will you go about finding it?

The Resume
It is important to get the resume right. It can’t just tell the story of what you have done in the past; it needs to also tell the story of where you are headed in the future. You should be aiming toward the next step, and for you to be satisfied, it will probably require that you stretch a bit, not just look for another example of what you have already done. That’s a good way to get bored, rather than growing toward the next step. The resume should tell the story of who you actually are and not be filled with empty “resume” language.

The Cover Letter
The cover letter is your opportunity to bring some personality into the imaginary conversation that goes on in your head when you discover an opportunity that wakes you up inside. What you put into the cover letter can and should be as authentic as you can make it. Do not simply say, “Enclosed you will find my resume. I am sure you will see that my background makes me a perfect candidate for the job.”  If that is all you have to say, forget saying anything at all. If, however, you have something interesting or notable to say about your experience that adds to your powerful narrative, then by all means say it.

The Search
I have heard good things about each of the following job sites from various clients over the last several years, but this year the one I keep hearing about is Indeed.com.  Do explore this site and see all the ways that you can make use of it in your search.  Other familiar sites include: LinkedIn, Monster.com, and opportunityknocks.org.

Next: The Interview

 

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How to Plan and Take a Vacation Even if You’re Unemployed

Who doesn’t love a vacation? The mere word, which means “planned time spent not working,” along with other descriptors such as “break, breathing space, intermission, recess, recreation, respite, and rest,” immediately releases some sort of dreamy enzymes or hormones into one’s veins. But as I have heard from more than one of my unemployed clients, “vacation” is almost a dirty word.  People who are unemployed don’t feel as if they deserve any vacation, and certainly not a glamorous or expensive one.  But at the same time, being unemployed and looking for work full time is extremely stressful and exhausting! Here are some suggestions for making good use of your unemployment period, including built-in vacation days.

1. Do not use your period of unemployment as if it were a “staycation,” meaning you stay home and do nothing until your unemployment  benefits run their course. Then, in a state of panic, you begin to look for a job, any job. I clearly remember a telephone conversation I had with a woman who called me about my coaching services after taking almost a year off “to rest” while she was receiving unemployment benefits. Now that her benefits were running out, she hoped that I would be able to do a resume for her and help her with a job search, even though she was unclear about what type of work she wanted. When I told her that our work together was designed to help her gain clarity about her future, future, and that it would no doubt take approximately ten sessions, she said there was no way that she could “wait that long” to figure out what was next for her. It didn’t appear that she had done any serious thinking about herself or her offer in the marketplace during the year she was unemployed with benefits, and it became clear to me that she and I were probably not a good match under the circumstances. She hung up on me. I was relieved. . .

2. Do take your period of unemployment seriously, and plan how you will use your time constructively, every day, with the intention of finding a better job than you just left and creating a better future. Most people are better at planning vacations than planning their careers and lives. I’m not being smug or judgmental, as if it were easy for me; in fact, the reason I do what I do is because it was all so much more painful than I expected it to be, that when I began to find my way, I also found my mission, which is to be the extended hand on a rocky path in the same way that certain people extended their helping hands to me. Use the four questions underlying momentum strategy to review and reflect on the job you just left: What worked? What didn’t work? What was missing? What’s next? Keep what worked and build in more of what works; get rid of what didn’t work: you don’t need to do more of it; think about what was missing or what is missing in your career and life and add it in; ask yourself, what’s next? The next job should be better than the last, because you are evolving as you go. Say no to the things you already have learned don’t work for you. Don’t just look for a new job doing the same thing as you did before. Learn from your mistakes. Your new resume should reflect your growth. If you need help, get help early in the process, not when your checks run out.

3.  Plan each week on Sunday night or Monday morning. Don’t let the days blend into one another or slip by unnoticed. Think of all the times you said you didn’t have time to do something because you were working so much. Now that you’re not working, take advantage of it. Do you have more time to exercise? Practice an instrument? Do Yoga? Read? Get together with good friends or family? Take some concentrated time to develop important criteria for the job you are looking for next, and search for it regularly — but not constantly. Searching constantly is exhausting; searching consistently is wise. You will get used to the lay of the land on the internet, notice new job announcements when they are posted, and get a sense of what’s happening in the marketplace. Keep your eyes and ears open for possibilities you may not have already thought about. Pay attention to the news and business sections of newspapers to inform your awareness of trends and companies you can research. Make an exhaustive list of the contacts you have in your personal gold mine of contacts. These are people who already know you and think well of you. Be sure to let them know what you are up to in a short email or phone call or lunch date. Give them a clear sense of what you are looking for, not just the news that you are looking for work, in order to avoid referrals that are completely inappropriate and/or time-consuming.

4.  Build in some vacation time; you need a break from the stress of unemployment! One of my clients who is handling her unemployment very wisely searches the internet twice a week for two to four hours, has several resumes out to target agencies and companies, and keeps in touch with her “gold mine” of contacts regularly. She has had a number of interviews as well, which to my way of thinking, means she is very close to finding her target job. She took a one week camping trip (“planned time spent not working,” remember) with her son and partner to a place she’d never been before, and thoroughly enjoyed her time off from the continuing job search. Now she has landed a good temporary contract in her chosen field and is taking time off again from any further searching just to “enjoy being a non-working mom for a couple of weeks” before her son returns to school and the contract begins. I predict a good ending to this story.

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Transitions: Big Ones, Small Ones, and Everything in Between

Bonnie Bell

First of all, let me just say that I have missed you! I was out of the office for almost a month for major but not life threatening surgery, and in a bit of a health transition ever since, but all is well now, and I’m back to work full speed, and ready to get back to normal with monthly posts about breakdowns and breakthroughs in career and life. Please stay tuned.

Transitions, big or small, refer in general to the “passage from one state, stage, subject or place to another.” That’s about the simplest definition you can find to describe the types of transitions that I want to focus on here. If you Google Wikipedia or any other online dictionary or encyclopedia, you will find mountains of examples of particular transitions, more than you need, from economic to musical, to the increasingly frequent use of the term “transitioning” to specifically refer to the process of gender change. The original use of the term “transition”, however, referred to the period during childbirth when the baby has left the womb and is in the birth canal but hasn’t been born yet. That’s when the screaming happens, if you get my drift…

My purpose is to bring into focus some of the ways in which we all can learn to recognize and more effectively manage the transitions in our lives, rather than being stymied or stumped by them. Virtually every client I have ever worked with is struggling with one transition or another, and by understanding certain features of transition, we can gain wisdom about them that will help us understand why they are always hard, always painful, and always hold great potential for positive growth; it just doesn’t seem that way while we’re in the midst of a big one, like the sudden loss of a loved one or a job.

The master of the subject of transitions in general was and still is psychologist, William Bridges, ever since he wrote his first book on the subject 25 years ago, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. The revised 25th anniversary edition is readily available via Amazon, as is the body of his work on the subject. Subsequent experts in the field owe their expertise one way or another to Bridges.

When the third new client I met with in the past two weeks triggered a conversation about the difficulties of being in transition, I knew it was time to spend a little time with all of you on the subject. See how many transitions you can find in these three client stories:

  1. A woman turning 30 who has just moved back to her birthplace in the Bay Area after living in a southern state for 10 years, and who is considering a career change because she hasn’t been able to find a job in her field.
  2. A 58-year-old minister who wants to move from the ministry into business, teaching
    or counseling.
  3. A 40-year-old entrepreneur, successful but frustrated in owning her small business, who wants to return to the hospitality industry to participate on the management level with a large, high-end international chain of hotels.

Anyone can recognize, I think, that these are all examples of difficult career/life transitions, but from what I already know of them, they each are headed in a right direction that makes sense for them, and they all did the right thing when they reached out for professional help. Why???

Transitions are always hard.  That’s the main thing you need to know (and remember) about transitions right up front. I guarantee that you have experienced a slew of them already, because you started out as a baby, became a toddler, then a preschooler and/or kindergartener, and then went through countless other major and minor transitions to get through primary school, junior high (OUCH! That was probably a particularly hard one!), high school and then on and on until either high school or college or graduate school kicked you out onto the rocky road of life to survive, thrive or flop. No doubt a mixture of both occurred in various situations throughout the ages and stages of your life to this point.  The transition to retirement is a huge, often unexpected transition, even if you think you are ready for it.  With retirements increasingly lasting thirty years or more, the question we need to ask ourselves beyond “How much money will I need in retirement?” is “What am I going to be doing during retirement?”

Transitions are always hard because we humans don’t like them. We don’t like to be between a rock and a hard place, neither here nor there. After all, biologically, we are hardwired for self-preservation, and when our instinct for food, shelter and clothing is threatened by the loss of a loved one or the loss of a paycheck, we tend to freak out, to utilize a highly technical term.

Transitions are always painful.  Once we “grow-up,” whether we are conscious of earlier painful transitions or not, we tend to minimize them, and can’t figure out why the next one that hits us between the eyes or ears is so hard. What we should get better at as we evolve is remembering that all transitions are hard and painful, and that mostly we do eventually get through them to the other side. On a deep level, transitions can yield rich wisdom about who we have been and who we are and what we want to be in the future, as long as we pay attention and learn from them. That is a good idea for a little homework you could each do about your own lives. Directions: Take some time to reflect on some of the major transitions in your life. Write them down. Then choose a particularly successful one to focus on: Describe what it was like? What was hard? What was the most painful thing about it? What did you learn? Was there a lasting change that turned out for the best?  Did you grow in wisdom?

Transitions are painful because they indicate loss, loss requires grief in order to resolve itself, and grieving is both hard and painful. Every transition implies a loss of something, even if you wanted the change and made the choice yourself. Examples might be that you made the choice to get married, or to move from the East Coast to the West Coast, or to take a job that seemed like the perfect thing. In such chosen situations, don’t be thrown for a loop because your initial joy and excitement turns into discouragement and depression after the deed is done. You are in the midst of biological and environmental stress produced by the loss of the familiar old and the fearful,
anxious new.

Because transitions are hard and painful, you are weakened and vulnerable to depression. Learn how to take good care of yourself while you are
in transition.

  1. Actively, frequently, remember the times in your life when difficult transitions actually worked out well — maybe even better than expected. This will help you build self-confidence, faith (in things hoped for but not yet seen) and determination to make them work out again.
  2. Develop what I refer to as your “Inner Resume.” Take stock of your gifts, talents, education, experience and character traits that are simply the truth about you. Write them down and memorize them so that you can claim them whenever you are vulnerable to other negative voices. Strong declarative statements about who you actually are very powerful.
  3. Ask for support from friends, family, and professionals if you need it.
  4. Do things you love to do. If it’s listening to music, or playing the piano, or reading a great novel, or taking a bike ride, do it!  It’s no doubt the fastest way to get yourself out of the negative voices and into what I call “Yes Energy”, the type of energy that automatically lifts you up and expands your thinking to higher levels.
  5. Avoid “No Energy.” These are activities or people that bring you down.
  6. Eat right, exercise, sleep well, take good care of yourself, love and forgive yourself. Put yourself in the way of grace (places where good things may happen) rather than in harm’s way. Pull out all the stops.

Sometimes, things work out much better than you even dared to hope. Trust me on this.

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More on Passion in Career and Life

Last year at about this time (1/14/14), I posted a blog, How to Follow Your Passion When You Don’t Know What It Is. You can find it by title in the Index to the right of this page and read or re-read it as a companion piece to this. Beyond that, you will see frequent references to the themes of “passion, following your bliss, living with meaning and purpose, living from the heart,” and other such related themes in most of my work and words. In the 1/14/14 post, I simply make one point about passion – that many people struggle with the fact that they don’t seem to have any passion at all, and that makes them feel defective, and/or deeply disappointed in their lives. I have never met or worked with a person who didn’t have any passions, but I have met with many people who did not know how to recognize them because they had a certain image of what a passion was supposed to look and feel like.

But there is so much more to say about passion! It’s a vast historic and contemporary subject, ridiculous to even attempt to approach in a blog. But for me personally and professionally, the experience of and or subject of passion emerges on a daily basis, and then when I go home, there it is again somewhere in the nightly news. I guess you could say I am passionate about passion, and I have a lot to say about it.   This week the story of ISIS captive Kayla Mueller, the 26-year-old from Prescott, Arizona, was all over the news. She is an example of a person so overtaken by her passion (in this case for the people of Syria) that she was willing to risk her life for it.

In the letter to her parents from captivity, she indicated that she had found the good in people even in those circumstances, that she had surrendered to God, and that she had no regrets except for the fact that she had caused them so much suffering. Here is an example of someone who in former times would no doubt have been referred to as a saint. She is also controversial, as were most of the saints. Some might call her naïve or foolish or crazy. She was nothing, if not passionate.

Not all passions are created equal. Passion is a word we toss around with increasing frequency, whether we are talking about a passion for a certain food or film or pastime or subject. In the career sense, it seems that everyone, from millennials to boomers, are searching for passion in their lives and work. But if you consult the dictionary, chances are it will begin with “The Passion”, which refers to the life, suffering and death of Jesus Christ, and on to multiple other definitions, all of which connote a certain out-of-the ordinary-ness; something intense; something highly emotional and/or powerful. Mostly we understand that if we say we are passionate about something, we mean we feel more intensely about it than if we just said we liked it or even loved it. We can be passionate about something or someone good for us, and/or something or someone not so good
for us.

Some people don’t search for their passion, their passion seizes them. An inexplicable energy or force or transcendent power overtakes them with an irresistible vision, and they cannot rest until they bring that vision into reality. It is usually not a skip down the lane. German filmmaker, producer, director, writer, actor and visionary Werner Herzog is an example of someone seized by passions and visions that drive all of his creative work. In his documentary film, The Burden of Dreams, you begin to understand that the vision is not always an uplifting joy but actually a burden. And don’t expect other people to love you for bringing your vision into reality. Controversy tends to follow
great passion.

There is no reasonable explanation for why you are passionate about whatever you are passionate about. Why is not really the question when it comes to your passion. Whether it is science or music or outer space, your passion can lead you home. Passions demand your attention. If you completely ignore them, you will not be at peace, nor will you ever get a sense that you are “fully alive”. If you try to bury them, they will haunt you. Follow your passions in order to find your way, but don’t expect smooth sailing. There will be turbulence.

   

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Happiness First; Then Success?

I received an early Christmas gift in late November that will make all others this year pale by comparison. It’s one of those priceless “inner gifts of the heart” that only the person receiving it can recognize or fully appreciate. You know what I mean; the sign that you have received one of these special gifts is that as soon as it appears from out of nowhere, automatic tears, the tender sweet ones, brim the eyes in gratitude.

In this particular instance, the tears appeared when I saw a new email from my client, “Pat”, about whom I wrote in a blogpost dated October 11, 2013, called Cleaning House: You Never Know What Might Turn the Tide. You might want to look it up, so you will fully appreciate the progress that occurred after I wrote that blog about an interesting success story. [And by the way, you can always access previous blogposts by title in the index to the right of whatever my current blog is. If you are curious or if you need some encouragement on any aspect of your current career/life situation, pick a title you like, and you might find just the words you are looking for.]

The point I made in that particular post was how you never really know which aspect of your “career pain” might need to be taken care of first – when it seems like everything needs changing, but it’s all become too overwhelming to change anything. In Pat’s case, the seemingly locked door that couldn’t be opened was her deep desire to hire someone to help with the housework, a responsibility that was totally hers because of the demands of her husband’s job, and one which made her feel like a maid. The captions in her early emails, between Skype sessions from my office in Oakland to hers in Europe, read “Drowning”.

According to her, both the room designated as her home office and the rest of the house were a mess, she was behind in her billing, she desperately needed to make more money, and she was sure that her husband would never agree to hiring a housekeeper, because she wasn’t making enough money from her own at-home business (writing, editing, tutoring, and translating) to justify the expense. Here she was with a Ph.D. in international public health, years of professional experience in the field, and the ability to speak four languages, and she was miserable, despite the fact that she adored her husband and two young kids. There were many tears during those early conversations.

“So what was the conversation like when you talked to your husband about hiring a housekeeper?”,  I asked during one session that began once again with a focus on the impossible situation she was in because of her inability hire a housekeeper. “What conversation?” she asked into the void that had suddenly appeared. As is often the case, the clarity needed on a particular issue emerged like an iceberg, and the “homework” for the next session appeared seemingly out of nowhere. She knew what she had to do. She had to have that hugely important conversation with her husband about her pain – the very thing she had avoided like the plague. That is a great example of how once the process of finding one’s way is in full swing, the necessary “homework” begins to be obvious. It emerges all by itself. Together we prepared for the conversation, as best we could, and then it took place.

When they finally had the conversation she had been dreading for so long, it was a huge success! It actually brought them very close together. He had no idea how bad she felt, and he immediately saw how hiring a housekeeper made perfect sense. Overnight, she had been thrown a life raft, and things began to change.

I just pulled up the lengthy caption history of emails to me, from Drowning in 2012, to Hired a Housekeeper!, to the present, and they read like this: Updated CV, Photos Attached for My New Website and Business Cards, I Got an Interview!, Interview Preparation, Narratives for My Interviews, Good News!, and in the fall of 2013,Things are Booming!

News in the “Booming” email included her success in winning a high paying translation project that called not only on her writing, editing and translation skills, but on her education and professional  experience in international health. Her newly-minted website and marketing efforts led to many new opportunities, including tutoring adults in conversational English, tutoring many more kids by marketing her skills to primary schools outside of her own neighborhood, and really experiencing increased confidence, joy and satisfaction in her work, all the while happily paying that housekeeper she cannot do without. She and her husband have begun working as a team to deal with personal and professional issues, rather than in uneasy isolation. These are amazing instances of building positive momentum in every aspect of her life.

But at the end of November 2014, after almost a year without contact while she was happily living her new life, came an email with this caption: My Life is So Beautiful! and the opening words, “. . . and you were the one who set me back on my path.”

Therein lies “the inner gift of the heart” with accompanying sudden tears. Some other time I could tell you about all the progress happening in her professional life and in the professional life of her husband, who has started his own business with three other close friends and colleagues, and even exciting news about how her kids are beginning to find their way. This leads to a conclusion I get to see fairly often in doing the work I love: when one person finds their way, the people around them tend to find their way too.

Is there anything in particular that might be blocking you from your Joy? Think about this as you move into the new year, and rather than making a resolution you won’t keep, take action on one primary thing that has been bugging you for a long, long time. Then tell me about it!

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The Case for Quitting Your Job – Even if You Still Love It

I didn’t make up this title or topic, but it definitely caught my eye when I saw it at the breakfast table on Monday, October 13, 2014 in the Encore section of The Wall Street Journal (“A Special Journal report on the New Retirement”). The premise for the article by staff writer Anne Tergesen was this: “Millions of older Americans are holding fast to their jobs, even though they could afford to retire. But, walking away just might be the best thing for their health and happiness.”

Really??? I had to read on, since this certainly doesn’t apply to the majority of people who come to see me for help with their careers, not to mention most people in the marketplace at large. Most of them would kill to find work they actually love, and if they found it, I seriously doubt they would ever think of quitting their job. It’s really not in our DNA as humans to give up homeostasis for uncertainty, especially if tremendous amounts of love are involved. That would be tantamount to a happy, healthy, tail-wagging dog leaving one perfect home to maybe find a more perfect home; it’s just not going to happen.

Over the 25 years of doing the work I love as a business owner, a blogger, and a Career/Life Coach, maybe this article is targeted at people like me! What a terrible thought!! I don’t even want to continue reading or thinking about this, but I am compelled to read on. After all, I am a baby boomer myself, and in many ways, this is an article directed toward me. The way I feel about retirement is in lockstep with most of my peers, who are nearing or already in the “retirement years” (now, 50 to 68), who want to keep working; I am also in lockstep with the 10% of baby boomers who never want to retire! (Department of Labor Statistics)

We all know that there are many baby boomers who wish they could retire, but they can’t because they haven’t saved enough money; however, many of these people go on to develop new skills, write books, start new businesses, etc. If some of them have done work based in physical labor (think athletes, construction workers, other laborers), they generally run into big trouble as they age, because the years can and do take a toll on the physical body, which normally cannot continue to sustain work based on physical strength. Such was the case in the earlier decades of the last century. Skipping to the post World War II years, we see the Knowledge Age emerging, which continues to the present. In the “professions,” people’s value derives from their education, training, and experience over time in such fields as medicine, science, mathematics, psychology, literature, architecture, finance, and, of course, technology. As long as these people continue to provide value and expertise in the marketplace, they can continue being in demand and continue to work long past retirement age.

But since in reality, every job and every type of work will eventually come to an end for some reason, what happens if a person doing work they love is “asked to step down” because others have determined that it is time? The article poses a few examples. . .This thought just might be the “show stopper” for those of us who are swept away with the love of our work.

My own personal experience in life and professionally as a Career/Life Coach has taught me that having some personal power and control over beginnings and endings is always less painful than “forced” changes and forced beginnings. Consider your own life experiences here. Being laid off or fired or replaced suddenly can be excruciating, while choosing to quit a job you love or hate, can be courageous and thrilling!

As mentioned toward the end of the article, Tergesen says, “The good news is that those who take the leap frequently report that there is more to gain than they imagined. Some say passing the torch through mentoring, teaching or otherwise advising, can be just as gratifying as carrying the torch.”

So, it appears that quitting the job you have had for a very long time, or even the work you love, might just be the best thing for your health, happiness and life in the long run. Think about it, as I will, but don’t expect any sudden or surprising moves on my part.

(Reference for further reading on the subject:  Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why it Matters in Life, Love and Work, Peg Streep and Alan Bernstein, 12/24/13)

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